My Words and World

In the past 12 years, I have been walking a tightrope.

I have been balancing my time between caring for my parents, my children, and me. Mom in the nursing home, Dad in their family home. Kids being cared for in two homes – my ex-husband’s and mine. There’s the time I devote to work; there’s the time I carve out with friends and physical fitness to achieve health and athletic goals and experience new activities – like rock climbing!

While sleep should have obviously come easy, it hasn’t, and I turned to a childhood release of journal writing. Off and on, I’ve been my own personal journalist. But I hadn’t been recently. Sometime last July, at the end of a challenging workday, I powered on my home computer to draft a “note to self” list of sorts.

That note drifted into a message to my kids … with a “what to do when I get old directive” … aptly named “When I Am Old.”

We’ve all had the “When I get there conversations.” The “Oh, I don’t want that, and I do want this and someone needs to know before I can’t really speak for myself,” thoughts. I have a few introspections about how I want to be treated, and I want my kids to know these wishes. 

They might not be able to fulfill them, but what’s important to me is dignity. For me that means knowing me and keeping a piece of me intact, comfortable and known – especially if I cannot know myself.

I simply titled it “When I Am Old.”

1.       Don’t be beholden to visit.

2.       I want classical or jazz music options when I wash my face and get ready for bed.

3.       I need tissues. I will miss people.

4.       I want a walking/wheeling partner.

5.       If I must have a roommate, I would like someone as alert as me and trustworthy.

6.       I am afraid I will need an activity. Help me find it. I’m social. Get me a group.

7.       I might be afraid to get lost.

8.       I don’t want to eat corn.

9.       Please don’t braid my hair.

10.    It will pain me, but I should probably see a priest.

11.    Leave me a journal and pen. I will want to write.

12.    Leave me stationery and stamps. I will try.